for what?

man as this school year is getting closer and closer to the end...I'm getting less and less excited. I mean I'm super excited to graduate 'cause high school is crap. I've only got about a month and some change until schools over and I've pretty much got myself in the mindset that I no longer have to try to reach that point. Since I'm not going to univ. right off the bat if my grades slipped my admission wouldn't be revoked. I can do the bare minimum and still get the exact same result if I were to try extra hard. So it's really got me asking for what? And don't trip folks by no means do I mean to slack off in college...I'm really going to do it to it because I refuse to put myself in the same situations I was in. But until then I'm really asking myself for what?

solitary sally.

So lately I've totally been contemplating how sudden my leave to california will be. Home doesnt feel like home at all here. Home is supposed to be your comfort zone...That place you come back and look at the familiar faces and what they mean/meant to you..Aside from my family I'm feeling like I ain't got none of those. I'm not really trippin' over that though because I dont see anyone new coming in my life nor do I care to re-create that with anyone "in" my life currently. I'm ready to make somewhere else my "home"....Cause here feels foreign...I kinda feel like a tourist in my hometown. Nothing here means anything to me enough to want to stay longer then graduation. I'm actually contemplating getting up out of here the week after I graduate. Shoot nothings convincing me to stay. 

I'm gone for good.

man, the past year and half have been nothing short of something else. When I tkae a look at myself I have changed so much..and not in a positive way. I used to be a lot more optimistic and happy go lucky. Certain things and people have really changed me from the person that I was to the person I am now. This handful of time has been full of soooo many downs it's hard for me to think of any up's..It is so hard not to think pessimistically. I mean I am positions in I never thought I would be in ever. My school situation isn't at all what I wanted it to be but I'm glad that I now know what I'm going to be doing. As far as high school goes...it doesn't. It is really hard for me to stay a full day..I been doing A LOT better trust me but it is so hard. My entire high school career has been nothing like the "high school experience" and it's surely not going to end that way either. From this point to July I'm only holding on to one thing and that is leaving. I need a change of surroundings and I feel like I am going to leave everyone [which is not many] behind completely. I don't feel the need to really keep in contact with anyone once I'm gone. When I leave I'm gone and I'm gone for good. 

man dating, dating, dating. I find it kind of funny when I sit back and look at how sought after relationships are with teenagers. It makes me wonder has it always been this way or is this just the way that my generation is progressing ? What I mean by this is how much teenagers [myself included at times] yern to be with someone. I see how down and out some people get about being single like they're like 40 and still looking to settle down. We get so bent out of shape over being alone and envious of others and the relationships that they have and you don't. I fully understand why...I think that everyone wants the constant reminder that they are something to someone, more then just a blip on the radar. People want that constant reassurance of care and knowing that at any given point in time that there is atleast that one person that will care for you. I just find it strange how 15, 16 , 17 , etc. year olds act as if it's the end of the world while they're single. Constantly looking and searching for love. Half the time teenage relationships are not even really taken seriously by outsiders looking in, but I just see how these relationships change and mold people. Is the love/relationship between a 16 year old and another 16 year old the same as a 35 year old and another 35 year old ?

I notice how much I have grown in the past couple of months...So let me give you the background.. I used to give my ex sooo much power, not so much because I still liked him or anything but I  gave his opinion too much leeway...But a little while ago I asked him what he would rate me on a scale of 1 to 10 and he told me 3, and yes at that point in time it really effed with me....it didn't make me feel good about myself at all. Today an arguement arised about my looks and where I stand physically and basically I refused to let him make me feel like I was anything less then what I thought about myself. I have come to realize that I should NEVER ever give some one the power to make me feel negitively about myself in that way and that it was my fault to begin with. But now I've got the mind state that I am beautiful and if you don't want to give me my credit then kick rocks. And you know what else he walked around with the 3 on his arm for about 6 months so I must have been something right. 

$$$$

i tend to find myself on the outside looking in when it comes to the "love of money", mainly because I find myself on the polar opposite end. I utterly hate money, and honestly if I could live sufficiently and the way that I would like to I would live without it but of course that is completely impossible. There's the wordly issues about money and how its something that people kill eachother over and that's bad enough...But for me it's kind of simple..When I sit back and I think to myself "what is really worth me spending money on?" and in doing so I come up with nothing. When it comes down to clothes and all of that stuff like yeaa I love to look nice at all times but like I really have a lot of clothes as is and wonderful but I'd like to think that I dress nicely and like what do I really need to get dressed for? don't let this make you think I look like a bum because that's not me I haven't even worn sweats to school in yeeaars ! But back to the lecture at hand like what do I need new clothes for? To go kick it with the same damn people I see all the time? to go to school where I feel no need to impress anyone? Currently I find money as the source of all my headaches, it is so straining and I just hate the fact that something I hate so much I cannot possibly live without. I mean just think about how much money rules YOU, many of your goals all revolve around it and you spend your whole life working for it and how it really grants you happiness no matter how much you try and front like it doesn't.  Isn't it ironic how money was created by man yet man lives by the dollar? I know it drives me crazy how I lust so much for something that is the one thing that I can honestly say I truly despise with a passion and I can never eliminate it from my life. idk maybe if I become filthy stinking rich in life I won't care anymore?

cherry on top of the ice cream !

 maaaaaaan ! So much stress. Okay man never did I think I would be one of those people wondering whether or not I am going to graduate especially over no damn P.E CREDITSS !!!!? Like really! At my schoool you need 2.5 credits of p.e/health to graduate [which is stupid like why do i need more p.e then science !!?! wtf?] ugggh. I have not taken P.E since 9th grade for a semester to give me .5, right now I am in a Nutrition and Fitness class and once I'm done with that I will have 1.5 ! I can't go into the a P.E class and I would to the P.E alternative and go to the gym but hello! No way to get there ! ugh. So I have two options, do two online courses which cost $121 each so $242 or Play Lacrosse for a alternative and do an online class for $121 ! Thing is if I play Lacrosse I can't work ! and I NEED to work to save ! But $242 is a lot right now seeing as to how I have $100 in fines I need to pay, I still need to get my cap and gown, college registration fees, AND PROM STUFF ! I'm kind of debating whether or not I am going to go to Prom because that is a lot of money and I need to make some sacrifices ! ugh. so stressful ! Who wants to loan me $242 and I'll pay you baaaack with my first paycheck !!? lol. I hella don't want to ask my parents ! ugh.

watch out now !

Man let me tell you. To often do I feel like I'm tested. In the sense that people push me and think that I'll never react. I am a very nice person and forgiving and to some this may be a sign of weakness but in reality I feel that puts me ahead at times. I carry so much integrity and I find it hard to do wrong even when I know it might make me feel better in some situations. What people don't realize is what I am capable of, I am not a foul person by nature at all but believe me if given the chance, will and oppurtunity BELIEVE me I could do people soo soo dirty but it takes so much for me to do so. You know how people say its so much easier to do wrong then right, in my case it's the reverse. I have yet to really try and get even but sometimes I feel like I'm getting kind of close.

losing focus.

Since not getting in to the UW I have really lost my focus, not so much that I'm going to start sucking in school but in the sense that I feel like I have no passion for anything anymore. For the past year going to the UW was the ONLY thing that I wanted, with my gpa I knew that I was investing too much of myself in something that I had a small chance of. But I don't think I could have done anything about it. At this point I have no passion for anything because that's what I was working for and towards and now that its not there for me anymore there is nothing. I don't want to sound like some uper oober emo kid because it's not like I'm walking around with my head down in the dirt but I will say that I don't feel much of anything. I'm kind of numb...I'm not happy, I'm not sad I'm just kind of unsure.

Love me or Leave me alone

Ive pretty much been feeling lately like if you aren't about to care about me then leave me alone. I kind of tired of the pointless people in my life. And some of the people Id like to think of those that I feel are supposed to care kinda just never seem to let me down. I am

SICK

OF

IT

!!!

I'm tired of investing my friendship to people who do not return the favor. I hate feeling un-appreciated and it seems thats what I feel half the time with certain people. There have been numerous occasions in which I wanted to test our friendship and cut off all communication and see what happens. Thing is though that I pretty much already know the outcome and I know I'm going to be disappointed and hurt so I try and save myself the headache. You truly know though maybe those individuals just need to experience the "you don't know what you got till its gone" scenario.

today was a good day

today wasn't half bad. Headed downtown w/ Ashley and Cassandra....Got a GREAT birthday present with a tight story behind it! well let me just tell it to you....If you're from Seattle you know about Pagaliaccis Pizza [sp?] and if you know me you know that I dont eat any other pizza but theirs really. So a whiiiiile ago I went in there and one of the employees had on a crew neck for Pagliaccis and I asked if i could buy one but they're only for employees. damn. So we go in today and we ask another dude he says the same BUT he also says hes willing to cut a deal. So he comes to us while we're eating ans says I'll give you one for $20...so im like ashley early bday present ? So he goes in the back and comes out with a pizza box and I slip him a 20 like it was drugs ! LOL. Then ashley decides she wants one so she tells him she wants another but for 10, he hesitates but then he says okay thats $30 bucks in his pocket and he does the pizza box again because he obviously stole them...But he was dope so if somehow you're reading this THANKS !

But what I really wanted to talk about is how lately as crazy as it sounds i feel like im actually experiening highschool. I've hated H/S since I started not just for the typical reasons but because I never really felt like I really had friends. I'm not a loner or anti-social or anything but it was just kinda like we're friends from 7.25-1.55 but at the same time I didn't find myself on the same page as most the kids I go to school with. But now I've been hanging out more and I like the feeling. Before this I always felt like I'd walk away from h/s with no memories because even now there has been nothing significant about highschool that I can look back on and reminscine about like "thooose were the days" I just feel like I'm kinda sorta now getting that highschool experience. Now will I love school again? hell to the no but it'll be a little less dreadful.

introduction

well i decided that I wanted another blog on top of deardrahspeaks, no I'm not done with it but this blog is just going to have a complete different vibe from the other..More personal basically so I felt it necessary to seperate the two. And if you're wondering what the hell the url means it is Eternus Lux which means "eternal light" in latin..That saying just really means something to me. Its hard to explain for me right now so im just going to postpone that for later.