watch out now !

Man let me tell you. To often do I feel like I'm tested. In the sense that people push me and think that I'll never react. I am a very nice person and forgiving and to some this may be a sign of weakness but in reality I feel that puts me ahead at times. I carry so much integrity and I find it hard to do wrong even when I know it might make me feel better in some situations. What people don't realize is what I am capable of, I am not a foul person by nature at all but believe me if given the chance, will and oppurtunity BELIEVE me I could do people soo soo dirty but it takes so much for me to do so. You know how people say its so much easier to do wrong then right, in my case it's the reverse. I have yet to really try and get even but sometimes I feel like I'm getting kind of close.

losing focus.

Since not getting in to the UW I have really lost my focus, not so much that I'm going to start sucking in school but in the sense that I feel like I have no passion for anything anymore. For the past year going to the UW was the ONLY thing that I wanted, with my gpa I knew that I was investing too much of myself in something that I had a small chance of. But I don't think I could have done anything about it. At this point I have no passion for anything because that's what I was working for and towards and now that its not there for me anymore there is nothing. I don't want to sound like some uper oober emo kid because it's not like I'm walking around with my head down in the dirt but I will say that I don't feel much of anything. I'm kind of numb...I'm not happy, I'm not sad I'm just kind of unsure.

Love me or Leave me alone

Ive pretty much been feeling lately like if you aren't about to care about me then leave me alone. I kind of tired of the pointless people in my life. And some of the people Id like to think of those that I feel are supposed to care kinda just never seem to let me down. I am

SICK

OF

IT

!!!

I'm tired of investing my friendship to people who do not return the favor. I hate feeling un-appreciated and it seems thats what I feel half the time with certain people. There have been numerous occasions in which I wanted to test our friendship and cut off all communication and see what happens. Thing is though that I pretty much already know the outcome and I know I'm going to be disappointed and hurt so I try and save myself the headache. You truly know though maybe those individuals just need to experience the "you don't know what you got till its gone" scenario.

today was a good day

today wasn't half bad. Headed downtown w/ Ashley and Cassandra....Got a GREAT birthday present with a tight story behind it! well let me just tell it to you....If you're from Seattle you know about Pagaliaccis Pizza [sp?] and if you know me you know that I dont eat any other pizza but theirs really. So a whiiiiile ago I went in there and one of the employees had on a crew neck for Pagliaccis and I asked if i could buy one but they're only for employees. damn. So we go in today and we ask another dude he says the same BUT he also says hes willing to cut a deal. So he comes to us while we're eating ans says I'll give you one for $20...so im like ashley early bday present ? So he goes in the back and comes out with a pizza box and I slip him a 20 like it was drugs ! LOL. Then ashley decides she wants one so she tells him she wants another but for 10, he hesitates but then he says okay thats $30 bucks in his pocket and he does the pizza box again because he obviously stole them...But he was dope so if somehow you're reading this THANKS !

But what I really wanted to talk about is how lately as crazy as it sounds i feel like im actually experiening highschool. I've hated H/S since I started not just for the typical reasons but because I never really felt like I really had friends. I'm not a loner or anti-social or anything but it was just kinda like we're friends from 7.25-1.55 but at the same time I didn't find myself on the same page as most the kids I go to school with. But now I've been hanging out more and I like the feeling. Before this I always felt like I'd walk away from h/s with no memories because even now there has been nothing significant about highschool that I can look back on and reminscine about like "thooose were the days" I just feel like I'm kinda sorta now getting that highschool experience. Now will I love school again? hell to the no but it'll be a little less dreadful.

introduction

well i decided that I wanted another blog on top of deardrahspeaks, no I'm not done with it but this blog is just going to have a complete different vibe from the other..More personal basically so I felt it necessary to seperate the two. And if you're wondering what the hell the url means it is Eternus Lux which means "eternal light" in latin..That saying just really means something to me. Its hard to explain for me right now so im just going to postpone that for later.